


Revelations

by stardust_20



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 08:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9647579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_20/pseuds/stardust_20
Summary: This is a little thing I wrote about what might happen when May gets rescued. It's just one idea I had about how her relationship with Phil will go ... given that I began writing it before the mid-season premiere in January, it's now a little bit AU in that I was assuming Aida was responsible for what happened, not Radcliffe. I hope you enjoy it anyway.  :)





	

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He felt sick to his stomach.

Leaving the room quickly, Coulson stopped in the hallway, leaning against the wall for support as the wave of nausea gripped him. He took several deep, calming breaths and felt it begin to subside.

He’d kissed it. Slept with it. Had _sex_ with it, for god’s sake. Twice. The feeling of giddiness he’d experienced when May had made the first move towards encouraging a newfound intimacy in their relationship had stuck with him and lightened his heart for the eleven days they’d been ‘together’.

It had been a lie. He’d been intimate with an android - albeit a very lifelike one. Worse yet, the real May had been held prisoner for nearly two weeks, barely kept alive while no one even realized she was gone. 

He couldn’t bear the sight of her now. She was pale, cheeks gaunt with large dark circles under her eyes. Simmons assured him there was no lasting damage, just some dehydration and anemia that would be fine in time. Thankfully Aida hadn’t hurt her in any way.

Coulson wanted to be there for her. She was his best friend; he hers, and they were always there for one another. Always had each other’s backs. But he couldn’t look at her now without the bile rising in his throat at the thought of what had happened to her, why he hadn’t noticed the switch and how happy he’d been with someone who was her … but wasn’t. 

He hated himself for it. 

“She should wake soon,” Simmons said lightly, having come out to join him. 

“Thanks.”

She put a hand on his arm comfortingly. “I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

He smiled weakly. “I know. Nothing ever gets her down for long.”

“I can bring a chair over and you can stay with her until she wakes up if you like.”

He pushed away from the wall. “I have things to do.” Raising his eyes from the ground, they met hers for a brief second, before he turned and walked away.

Simmons folded her arms and frowned, watching him with concern until he disappeared from sight.

“How’s she doing?” Mace’s inquiry surprised her; she hadn’t heard him coming.

“As well as can be expected under the circumstances.” They began walking back to the lab. “Her bloodwork tells me Aida kept her alive with a saline IV but she hasn’t had proper food or water in days. Almost two weeks. Physically she’s not in great shape and she’ll feel it when she wakes up.” They stopped by her bedside. “When she finds out what happened, her mental state … “ She stopped, giving him a look that said more than words could. “Did you manage to apprehend both of them?”

Mace shook his head. “The LMD of Agent May is in lockup and Radcliffe is working to turn her off, but Aida managed to evade us. I have people looking for her now.”

She shook her head. “The fact that Aida created another LMD, one that fooled us all so completely, is terrifying.”

“And that’s the reason I initially wanted the whole project terminated. Sentient robots conquering their human overlords? If you’ve watched any sci fi you’ll know that’s always the endgame and it never ends well for humanity.”

“True. But you do have to admit Radcliffe really is a genius to be able to make such a creation.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Who is now smarter than he is. Given he’s one of the smartest people on the planet, I don’t see how that could ever go wrong.”

~ ~ ~ 

She felt cold. It was the first thing May noticed when she woke. She was chilled straight through to the bone.

“Welcome back.” Simmons smiled down at her, but even in her groggy state she could see it was forced.

The curse of being good at reading people.

“What happened?” May croaked. “Why am I here?”

“Slow down.” Simmons held a hand out to stop her patient from sitting up. “Have some water. You’ve been through quite the ordeal and you must be thirsty.”

May took the proffered bottle of water and downed half of it, smothering her questions for the moment.

“Better?”

She nodded. 

“Good. I’m sure you’re probably hungry too. I’ll see that you get something to eat as soon as possible.”

“I’m not eating until you answer my questions.”

Simmons folded her arms and pursed her lips. “You were kidnapped.”

“By whom?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

May wrinkled her nose at the other woman’s caginess. “I went to Radcliffe’s lab to collect Aida.” She paused and her eyes lifted, meeting the other womans. “ _Aida?_ ” she whispered, disbelief clouding her face.

Simmons nodded. “That was eleven days ago.”

May’s eyes widened. “Eleven days? How did it take so long to find me? Coulson and Mace both knew I was going there. Surely when I didn’t return they’d have gone looking for me. Coulson at the very least.”

Simmons drew in a long breath, trying not to look distressed but failing. “Aida made another LMD. Of you,” she added. 

The colour, what little of it there was, drained from May’s face. “No one knew I was gone,” she said slowly. “They didn’t rescue me because they thought I was here and everything was fine.”

Simmons nodded, eyes downcast.

May slumped back down. “Eleven days … and no one realized it wasn’t me? Even Phil - “ She stopped.

“I’m sorry,” Simmons whispered. “She looked just like you, acted like you … we had no reason to think it wasn’t you. I don’t know how Aida did it but somehow she managed to give her your memories, personality quirks - “

Any other time May would have bristled at the term ‘quirks’ but now she felt sick at heart. Her double had been living among them for nearly two weeks, undetected, doing who knew what? Why had she been replaced? What was Aida’s goal? Worse, her decoy had been acting as her, deceiving her friends and teammates … and Phil. Poor Phil, how must he feel, finding out his closest friend had been replaced by a robot? No wonder he wasn’t here at her bedside, the way she’d expect he would be if she were ill or injured.

She sat up and swung her legs over the size of the bed, fighting sudden dizziness.

“Whoa there, you can’t get up yet. You haven’t eaten in nearly two weeks - your body won’t have the energy to take you anywhere.”

“Then get me some food. I’ll be fine after I eat.”

“You know you’re off the duty roster. Director’s orders. You’ve been through a lot and aren’t physically ready for duty. He’ll require you take some time off and be tested before you can work again.”

“At least I can get out of this bed.”

“I’ll see what I can do about getting you some food.”

~ ~ ~ 

Their quarters were in the same hallway so it was no coincidence she’d find him there. Their eyes met as he came out of his room and shut the door behind him. He froze.

“Phil.”

“Hi.” He looked her up and down quickly and then focused on a spot somewhere over her shoulder. “How’re you doing?”

“I’ve been better but it beats dying.”

A trace of a smile graced his lips but faded immediately. “I guess you’ll need to rest.”

She opened her mouth to protest. _Apparently that’s all I’ve been doing the last couple of weeks._ But despite her mental protests, physically she felt weak and a little unsteady on her feet. “Yeah, I guess.”

“I should go. Mace … “ He shrugged. “I’ve got an assignment.”

She nodded as he walked past, not looking at her, not touching her, and felt her heart crack.

~ ~ ~ 

The next morning, after a mostly sleepless night, May headed down to the common area for breakfast. She wasn’t overly hungry but knew she needed to get back to eating properly if she wanted to regain her strength and return to normal life.

It was early by everyone else’s standards, but the room was busy and noisy chatter reached her ears before she could even see who was there. Simmons, Radcliffe, Fitz, Mack. Their voices were easily recognizable.

The chatter died as soon as she entered the room, leaving a vast, uncomfortable silence. _It’s like being back in jr. high_ , May thought. _Gossiping about you until you enter the room and then suddenly silent. ___Sadness lodged itself deep in her chest as she met the eyes of these people she called friends. Except Radcliffe. _Jury’s still out on him._ She wondered if they would ever look at her the same way again.

Fitz cleared his throat. Mack managed a taut smile. “Morning, Agent May.”

“Mmm,” she returned, heading to the counter for some tea. _They don’t want me here._ The feeling wasn’t a new one to her. She hadn’t gone out of the way to make people like her; that wasn’t why she was part of Shield. Some liked her, some didn’t. But in the few years they’d served together as a team, there’d grown a closeness between them. Almost like family. They didn’t always like each other but there was always deep respect and appreciation for one another. They’d grown to tolerate her and she them, and they all knew that together they were stronger. Better.

Now they were afraid of her. She could see it in their eyes and micro-expressions as they tried to act nonchalant.

She sat at another table once her breakfast was ready, and could almost sense the relief flooding the room. Their conversation, nowhere near as animated as it had been before her arrival, took on a less strained tone when she sat down away from them.

She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter as she ate in silence, eyes vacantly staring across the room at nothing in particular.

~ ~ ~ 

The summons came, as she knew it would, early. 

“You wanted to see me?”

Mace lifted his eyes as she stood in the doorway, then rose. “Yes, please come in.”

She did but remained standing a few feet back of his desk. _Phil’s desk,_ she couldn’t help thinking, wishing it was him she was seeing behind it. 

He stared at her for several moments then shook his head. “Remarkable.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s truly remarkable how much like you she is.”

“Yeah,” May said bitterly. “Considering _it_ lived among you for over a week and not one of you noticed it wasn’t me.”

“To be fair, it was supposed to be as lifelike as possible. I read Radcliffe’s notes on the LMD project and the whole idea was to make copies of field agents who were practically indistinguishable from the real thing.”

“Radcliffe didn’t make that thing. Aida did.”

A shadow crossed his face. “She crossed the line, replacing you with the LMD the way she did.”

They stared at one another in silence.

“So, you wanted to see me … “ May prompted.

“Yes. I want to know exactly what happened in the lab that day. Every detail. Everything you remember since.”

“With all due respect, I could just write a report.”

“But you wouldn’t put your feelings in it. Gut impressions. Bits of conversation. Those are what I want. Tell me everything.”

~ ~ ~ 

He wasn’t too pleased that she had little to share but May didn’t care. She was glad to be out of his office and hopefully all done with it. The whole damn situation sucked and she just wanted to put it behind her and get on with life.

She hoped everyone else would be able to do the same. 

Forgoing her usual routine, May decided to run her Tai Chi moves in the middle of the afternoon to calm her nerves. She knew she looked unflappable, professional on the outside as always, but felt anything but inside.

How could there be an android that was so like her that no one would know the difference? She supposed it mightn’t be too hard to fool everyone else since she stayed at arms’ length with most people, but Phil knew her better than she knew herself. When they ate together or worked out they talked. Events from their past. Old friends. Personal things that no one else would know. How could anyone have gotten inside her head so well to be able to program her memories and ‘personality quirks’ into a robot, convincingly enough to fool him for weeks?

She tried to clear her mind as she began her routine. After all that was the whole point of Tai Chi …

~ ~ ~ 

He’d tried to avoid her. Done a pretty good job all things considered, but then being out on assignment helped. He’d seen her once in passing before averting his eyes at the naked pain in hers. May was not easy to read but he knew her well enough to know she was hurting. _Not well enough to have noticed she wasn’t the real thing,_ his subconscious reminded him, bringing on another wash of shame.

He’d been happy to be sent on assignment so he didn’t have to face her but hadn’t been able to get her off his mind the whole time he’d been gone. Daisy had had to drag him out of a deep reverie on more than one occasion. Thankfully the mission hadn’t been critical and was one he could complete without his usual concentration and focus. Coulson knew he’d better figure out how to either deal with his feelings or compartmentalize them as most of their missions weren’t so easy …

~ ~ ~ 

Never had she felt so alone.

May was a solitary person by nature, made more so by the necessity of spending nearly every waking hour with her fellow agents, but she’d never felt closed out and unwanted, even when she’d been a hardass and they were annoyed at her. Her routine was predictable (hell, it wouldn’t be called ‘routine’ if it wasn’t) and because people knew it, they all avoided being where she was. Or so it seemed.

Phil particularly. 

Granted he’d spent a couple of days away on assignment, but that fact usually precipitated him to seek her out when he returned. He was personable and got along with just about everyone but they had a special kinship and she knew he missed her company when they were apart.

Not this time. They’d passed twice in the hallways but otherwise he might as well have not been there. Not that he was really here anyway; she could see the emptiness in his eyes when they met and each time he’d quickly looked away and moved along

Enough. It was time to deal with it. May knew all-too well she wasn’t really one to ‘deal’ but she needed her friend back and from the looks of him, he did too. So they needed to talk, to deal with it, and get back to something resembling normal. _You’ve been through worse together managed to come back from it. You can do this._

She caught him in the smaller of the three gyms on base, late in the evening when he liked to do a few sets to wind down before bed. Facing away, he didn’t hear her come in until she shut the door behind her, then he turned, freezing when their eyes met.

“Phil.”

He paused a moment. “May.” His straight face was good but the undercurrent in his voice belied the calm he liked to project.

“We need to talk.”

Coulson popped out his headphones. “Now? I’m a little busy.”

“It can’t wait.”

She saw as well as felt his eyes run up and down her body, taking in her deliberate pose. She watched as he turned off the music and put his phone and weights away, noticing for the first time both that he was sweating liberally, and that he was using heavier weights than usual. _Punishing himself._ The thought was fleeting but it stuck with her as she watched him work, using very slow and deliberate movements. _As if he’s buying time, trying to figure out how to face me._ Her heart, already sore, ached even more.

“Phil,” she began but stopped when he walked over and stood in front of her. The emotions in his eyes were something she’d never seen before in him. “It’s not your fault,” she continued, voice softer.

“I should have figured it out. I should have known it wasn’t you. I didn’t. I didn’t,” he repeated in a whisper.

“You weren’t meant to. It wouldn’t have been very convincing if it looked like me but didn’t act like me.” She reached out to touch his arm but he recoiled and stepped backwards. “I don’t blame you.” Inside it wasn’t entirely true; there was still a part of her that couldn’t understand how he of all people hadn’t figured out it wasn’t her. But he didn’t need to know that. Those feelings were for her and her alone.

“I blame me. Don’t you get it? I should have known. I shouldn’t have … “ 

“Shouldn’t have what?" When he didn’t answer she continued. “We’ve been friends for too long for this to divide us. We’ve been through tough situations before - several in the last couple of years alone - and always found our way back together. We can do it now too.”

“That’s the problem,” he said softly. “We were together. _Together._ ” Agony darkened his face along with another emotion she wasn’t use to seeing in him. Shame?

“Together?”

“Together.” He took a step forward. “You and me. Well, I thought it was you … “

Colour drained from her face. “You don’t mean - “

He nodded. 

“Just how _together_ were you?” she asked, voice eerily calm.

“Melinda - “

She stepped back. “I guess that answers that question.” She shook her head. “You had sex with it. God.”

“You think I don’t hate myself for that?” A trace of fight darkened his eyes. “We finally … after all this time … weeks, months or flirting and then to find out it wasn’t actually you?” He turned away abruptly, walking over to the bench and grabbing a towel. After wiping the sweat from his face and neck he turned to face her again, eyes guarded once more. “We have to put it behind us and forget it ever happened. Can’t let personal things get in the way of doing the job.”

“Even you’re not naive enough to believe this doesn’t change everything.” 

May stalked out before he could reply.

~ ~ ~ 

The days passed and they didn’t speak at all. May was cleared for duty and while they were occasionally in briefings together, they weren’t assigned any missions together.

Did Mace know? Coulson felt pretty sure that he and May-droid had been discreet and no one had known about their burgeoning intimacy, but you never knew with Mace. He wasn’t one for sharing unless there was something in it for him. He could have any amount of secretive information on any of them and just be waiting for the right time to use it. If he did know, he was being uncharacteristically thoughtful in keeping them apart. If he didn’t then perhaps he just doing it out of deference for their longtime friendship, allowing them time to heal. Either way, Coulson was thankful. 

It was a large base and it was fairly easy to avoid people if one wanted to, particularly if one had a personality like May’s who tended towards solitude. She was probably spending all of her free time in her quarters, avoiding everyone. He wished he could do the same but people kept seeking him out. It was as if they felt carrying on as if nothing had happened would bring things back to normal. _That’s what you wanted,_ he reminded himself. _To forget about it and return to ordinary life._ But as much as he wanted to believe that, he knew it wouldn’t work with May. The experience - for both of them - was too personal. Couldn’t just be chalked up to a mission gone wrong.

There was a knock at his door. 

“Mack.”

The big man filled Coulson’s door frame, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

There was a moment of silence. “I have something to say and I’m just going to come right out and say it.”

Coulson nodded. “I’ve usually found being honest and forthright to be the best policy.”

“Whatever’s going on with you and May, you have to fix it.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“You two are clearly miserable - “

“And here I thought my poker face was pretty good.”

“I’m being serious, man.”

All traces of humour disappeared. “It’s not exactly an uncomplicated situation, Mack.”

“I know that. I also know you two have known each other forever and been through thick and thin together.”

“Your point?”

“When you died and were brought back, she stood by you. Many of us didn’t trust you, what with alien DNA and futuristic technology saving you. You began to act in a bizarre fashion. We believed you weren’t yourself. She did. She stood by your side and defended you. She believed in you, knew that whatever had happened, you were still the same man inside.”

“This situation is different.”

“I know, but if Aida took May’s mind - all of her thought processes and memories, and put them into that android, isn’t she the same person? I don’t like the thought of an android impersonating a friend among us any more than you do, but she was every bit as much Agent May as the real thing. It wasn’t her fault that her mind was stolen and used any more than it was your fault you were brought back to life using unconventional means. You should be standing by her now as she heals from this betrayal.”

Coulson sighed and sat heavily on the bed. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right, I do owe her that. But you’re missing a large piece of the picture here, the part that’s not only keeping me away from her but making her not want to have anything to do with me.”

“The part where you two became closer. Only it was a robot you were getting romantic with, not actually her.”

“You knew?”

“I have eyes,” Mack said dryly. “If Aida programmed the LMD to have all of May’s thoughts and feelings and be exactly like the original, as I gather the program was designed to do, doesn’t that mean the feelings the LMD had are May’s real feelings? Maybe the real May is just afraid to act on them. It can be hard when you’ve been friends for so long to finally move into being something more.”

“Maybe.” Coulson paused. “But what if they weren’t real and Aida just programmed them to exist in order for her android to get closer to me? How do we know those feelings were May’s originally and not just part of the mission?”

“The only way you’ll know is if you ask her yourself.”

~ ~ ~ 

It made sense. Coulson couldn’t dispute that. But knowing he should ask May point-blank if she had romantic feelings for him, and actually _doing_ it were two very different things . 

It took him nearly a full day to work up the courage to confront her. As he knocked on the door to her quarters, he immediately wished he hadn’t. The nausea had returned in full force. What if those feelings weren’t really May’s? What if they were, but the experience had messed them both up so badly they would never be able to explore them for real? What if this was the end of their friendship?

That last one scared him most. He loved her. These last weeks had shown him there were deeper feelings lurking inside him that he hadn’t been able to put words to, but even pushing that aside, he loved her as a friend. A partner. The only real confidante he’d had his entire adult life. She meant everything to him. 

The bald truth was he couldn’t imagine his life without Melinda May.

When there was no answer after the second knock, he tried the door. He’d come this far; he wasn’t going to leave until he was sure she wasn’t here. 

“May.”

She continued what she was doing without turning around. “You know when people don’t answer a knock it’s because they don’t want to see you.”

“What are you doing?” His voice grew steely as he watched her. “You’re leaving. Where are you going?”

She finally turned around and met his eyes briefly. “Away.”

“Where?” He persevered when she didn’t answer. “Are you coming back?”

She shrugged.

“You can’t go.”

“Can’t I? It’s not like anyone wants me here. They won’t miss me.”

He stepped forward so only the bed was separating them. “I’ll miss you.” Huskiness deepened his voice. “I want you here.”

“You sure have a strange way of showing it.”

“It hasn’t been an easy situation for me.”

“For either of us. She took me, Phil. I can deal with the physical part of that, but she violated my mind. She took my most private thoughts and feelings and used them against us.” Pain began to bleed through the mask she was trying to keep up for him. “I know you’re hurting but so am I. The others are your friends. They’ll help you through this. I have no one. You’re avoiding me and the rest of them look at me like I’m the enemy. Like I chose for this to happen.” She turned away and returned to throwing things in her duffel bag.

“May, please.”

“Please what? Please make it go back to the way it was before? If only I could.”

“Please … “ Coulson wasn’t even sure what he was asking; the request was coming from so deep down in his heart no words could articulate it.

She stared at him for a moment, anger replacing the pain she’d let show briefly. “I have to go.” She zipped the bag and slung it over her shoulder, being careful their bodies didn’t touch despite the lack of space in the room.

Coulson stood without moving, staring at the mussed bedcovers where the duffel had just been, feeling a horrible coldness close over his heart and wondering how the hell he’d ever get his life back.

~ ~ ~ 

It took him three days to track her down. The tracking part wasn’t difficult; he’d had a fair idea of where she would go, but he’d been given an assignment and been refused the requested personal time - “we’re already an agent down. I need my best on this, Phil.”

“Do locked doors mean nothing to you?” She sat curled into a corner chair in the living space of the tiny side-by-side, sipping hot tea.

“You wanted me to find you. That’s why you’re here.” Coulson sat opposite her, watching the steam curl up out of the mug. 

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I gave up my apartment when I came back to the field. No point in keeping it when I was never there.”

“You could have gone away. Another city, another country … nothing’s stopping you from just disappearing. I know you could and we’d never find you.”

“Is that what you want?”

Anger and frustration darkened his face. “Of course not. I came for you because I’m not letting you just walk away, and because … “

“ … because …” she prompted.

“Because I need to ask you something.”

She pursed her lips in a way he knew all too well meant she wasn’t going to be cooperative.

“When your double told me - “

“Life Model Decoy,” May said under her breath.

“Whatever. When she … it .. when things happened between us, she said she cared for me. More than just as a friend and partner. That there were romantic feelings she wanted us to explore. Were … those your real feelings or just Aida’s programming … “ He trailed off.

May bit her lip and unceremoniously dropped her mug on the side table as she got up and stalked across the room. Coulson followed, standing beside and slightly behind her. After a long pause she turned to him, face sorrowful. “You even need to ask?”

“I care for you, Melinda May. More than anything in this world.” He reached a hand up, heart lifting when she allowed him to touch her cheek. “I wanted it to be real. You’ve no idea how happy it made me, finally taking that last step. I never knew I wanted it until it happened … I’ve always cared for you, enjoyed spending time with you. You’re my closest friend. I never thought … but our relationship becoming something more just felt right somehow. Like something I never knew was missing had just fallen into place and made it even better.” Her eyes began to glisten as he continued. “The thought that those actually were your real feelings is all that’s gotten me through these last days. I hate myself for getting taken in and letting myself get used like that, and I hope you can forgive me for what must feel like a horrible betrayal. I never meant for this to hurt you, May. I would never hurt you.” 

She reached a hand up slowly and covered his. “I know.” She swallowed hard. “But it hurts, Phil. It _hurts._ ” One tear slid down her cheek. “And I’m going to need some time with it, to get past it.”

“I understand. Just … don’t disappear.” His voice choked on the last word. “Please.”

“I’ll be here.” Their eyes held for a long moment.

“Okay.” He swallowed hard, hand dropping. “Okay, well I’ll go and let you have the space you need. You know where to find me when you’re ready.”

“Thank you.” It was little more than a whisper.

A ghost of a smile crossed his lips as he blinked repeatedly, finally turning away to leave.

“Phil,” she called out when he was only steps from the door. He turned and looked back.

“You mean a lot to me too. A lot.”

_~ fin ~_


End file.
